Hate to bring it back to this, but something I’ve finally succumbed to addressing is the havoc my 4 years with my abuser wreaked on me.
For the past year or so I’ve done a good job of bouncing back. On the outside, I think most people wouldn’t even suspect that there’s internal turmoil. I was convinced there wasn’t any either. But even after almost a full year after what’s passed, I still wake up with a lingering anxiety and sadness that permeates through every facet of my life. I was determined to solve this privately, but something happened this past weekend at Shine that made me realize I am still very much bothered by this.
After an already stressful weekend, on the very last night after top 8 was over, someone continued to harass me and who I was hanging with throughout the night. Things eventually escalated and the perpetrator– with full-intent– walked away finally while yelling across the hall to us “vidjogamer”.
After that, I simply could not hold it in. Memories, thoughts, and feelings that I didn’t even know I was retaining all came through. It was such a spike of anxiety and fear that I felt like I was re-living those entire 4 years in one moment. The moment felt so surreal. It almost didn’t make sense since I’ve been able to openly talk about this and confront any memories from this time with comfort and ease. After realizing how much I was holding in though, it became apparent that I needed to just get these feelings out there or else I’m never fully recovering.
Even though the hard part has been over for a little under a year now, only about a month ago were all of his belongings finally removed from my life. I also only just finished paying all the outstanding legal fees a few weeks ago.
I’m naturally headstrong. I don’t let things get in my way, and if I want something– I go and get it. But, a lot of who I was kind of got destroyed throughout the process. It’s been a huge elephant in the room for me. I hate even acknowledging that this problem exists because it makes me feel weak, and validates that scum like him could even leave an impact in my life.
Unfortunately though, I’m not the same. I used to be a vibrant and outgoing individual, I used to wake up everyday with a fire to get things done. Nowadays, I struggle to even get started on the things that used to give me life, notably art.
Art for so many reasons has become a toxic vacuum for me. In a lot of ways it reminds me of times that I greatly despise. It also reminds me of the wasted time and money from my past 4 years, but most of all– it reminds me of my wasted potential. I look back on my work from when I was 11-15 and the difference between how I felt back then compared to now is startling. This man basically stepped into my life and destroyed what defined happiness for me to begin with. This realization weighs on me everyday, and since I initially got out of the situation, it’s been hell trying to fix it.
Everyday, I wake up and all I feel is inadequate. I browse the online world as I always have, and instead of feeling an intense motivation to compete and conquer, all I feel is defeat. That’s not who I am. The Jisu I know is someone who has an unbreakable confidence and a determined stride. Now, all I feel is doubt, uncertainty, and insecurity. It is so sad, and for the first time in my life, I feel like I can’t push through it.
Another particular reason why recovery has been hard (and probably the biggest) is because I’ve been groomed as a child prodigy. People will place enormous faith in you from day 1 to become something amazing. Initially you might believe that the pressure to perform phased me, but naw, if anything, my personality lends itself to take these expectations and go further. What upsets me about this though, is that he essentially took my most precious time (ages 15-19) and stunted my growth. The thought that had I stayed on my own path, I could be further, plagues me everyday, and if I’m not actively thinking about it, I feel indirect anxiety from it.
Another point where it becomes super difficult is when it starts affecting my relationships with people. I used to be a confident individual, now I only feel insecurity and always second-guess my interactions with others. I also always prioritize others before myself– especially my customers/fans– but this places a great tax on my well-being. If I was at my best, this would not be a problem, but I’m not. I’m a shell of my former self, and I know that might be hard to believe, but trust me, it’s true. I don’t really know how to fix this since I can’t just run from the numerous projects that I’ve started, but just getting this out there helps a lot.
I usually just force my way through a mental funk through discipline and willpower, but it’s not working. I’ve been doing a good job of maintaining some level of performance relative to my mental state, but I’m sick and tired of feeling this way and it’s time I take real steps to fix this.
I’ve recently set up a tangible plan to try and make art a healthy space for me again. (Read: https://www.patreon.com/posts/what-im-doing-to-20827299) I also am finally coming to terms with the fact that maybe I should vocalize these feelings instead of internalizing them. It’s occurred to me that maybe I’m being too hard on myself. I have the tendency to believe that I should be performing at my best at all times, but I’ve realized that I need to step back and be realistic about my recovery. 4 years of manipulation and torture is a lot (especially during my teenage years) and I need to accept the fact that I’m allowed to be sad from time to time.
It’s been hard trying to piece my life back together, and I really want to emphasize the word trying because I can’t even tell if the next day was better than the last. There have been a few days, (though few and far between) where I feel like myself again. I’ve been fortunate enough that almost everyone has been extremely understanding and supportive– but I’m failing, and I’m probably gonna fail some more. I hate acknowledging that this even happened, but the only way to fix a problem is to realize you even have one, and as people who have invested in me it only feels right being transparent about this.
I guess the TL;DR is that I have a lot of anxiety and problems still, so forgive me if I’m not performing. I know a lot of this might seem out of nowhere (especially since I’m still getting stuff done), but I hold myself to a high standard and I know I can be better. Honestly, at this point, the only thing that keeps me motivated is the prospect that if I get through this I won’t be the same as before– I’ll be even better. For now though, I’m just gonna keep feeling things out and hopefully it all works out in the end. This post isn’t to say that things haven’t gotten better by the way, I definitely still get depressed, but it’s nothing like how it used to be, so hopefully the trend is that as time goes on, things will get better.
Thanks for reading, and as always thank you for your support.
